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March 2011

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Mar. 2nd, 2011

This could all go so wrong, but we're so happy :)

Well I finally told him, sort of, anyway he knows now. He finally knows how I feel, how I've felt for a long time. How the universe chooses to influence him is up to the universe. I don't necessarily want him right now. Who knows if I'll ever want to be with him again? I do love him, but love is a funny thing, and maybe I'm comfortable loving him but not having him, which sucks in itself and yet at this current point in time I'm okay with it. Either way he deserved to know, and if nothing else I owed it to him after what I put him through.
Though my consideration for others plays a role, ultimately I act of my own volition and my own heart, no one else's.

What can I say of life except that it is a myriad of halls, windows and doors; and, allegedly, the grass is always greener. We are always searching for things we don't have. Oh its not a bad thing. We search for knowledge when reading a book, watching a movie hearing a lecture; for love in dating, marriage, family, friendships, children; and for happiness in food, sleep, and hobbies.
We are a species that continues to grow from the day we are born until the day we die. Even after a person retires, they still read the paper, or watch television perhaps, in search of knowledge. Babies seek love and happiness in that person(s) they recognize and know best, their family. In all these ways the human race is always growing simultaneously with obvious physical growth.
Is it not amazing that we can do such things? A dog for instance is born, they learn to wimped and then bark, they learn to drink from their mother and then eat solid food, they learn to run and jump, and perhaps they may learn a few tricks along the way. Other than learned habits and scientific studies, what else is their for a dog to learn to achieve what is called a life? Nothing. To have a life a dog just lives and accompanies it's human consorts. A dandelion sprouts, grows to it's full height and then is either picked, or withers away. That is the achievement of a dandelion, plain and simple.
But a human can continue to change and grow until, LITERALLY, the day they die. Lying on their deathbed a human can be watching the news and learn all sorts of new things and thence pass away with brand new knowledge. 'Tis a sad thing but it happens.

I will learn by reading and watching movies/news, I will continue to love my dear family, and I will find my happiness in writing my own ideas down for probably no one else but myself to read. I'll continue to do all of this until I am incapable of doing then, and even then hopefully someone will help me to keep learning and loving.

Love me,
Love, me.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.

Feb. 18th, 2011

On the landing with the war you shouldered all the night before...

One of my most dearest dreams in life is to be a Career Writer. I would very much like to live my life writing and earning money for it. I have sometimes considered taking up blogging as a more serious habit, in hopes of gathering readers whilst I continue to construct my many dissaarrayed vignettes. However, I have not the attention span required for a conventional blogger, nor do i have a clue how to gather readers and hook a person to my readings quick enough to make them hungry for more.

I love the gift of language, I love reading and writing, I think I appreciate it the way it's meant ot be appreciate it, the way true writers and poets appreciate it. I love sitting in my papasan chair with a notebook, or a laptop and just writing down my thoughts, some of them accidently becoming poems, i love turning on my music and letting random theories and ideas come to my mind. This is why I stopped listening to music when I go to sleep, too many good ideas come to me before I sleep and I forget them by morning.

Another reason is when I start having children, not only do I want to be with my children as much as possible and still be able to contribute to a household income, but I'd like my future children to experience the making of my work, and be able to say "I was there" "I remember my mom telling me about [that part] of [that story]." Not only that, but I feel that would be the ultimate legacy to leave behind for myself and for them. Novels, poetry, stories, they live forever, they are things my great-great-great-great grandchildren could read and feel a connection to me that they might not be able to have otherwise.

My ambiguous point is that I like having a job, but I think the freedom to work out of my home, and go about my life as I wish, would be liberating. It would take a whole lot of commitment, motivation, and self-disciplne, all things I struggle with continuously, but I am determined to be there. It is not only my dream job, but my dream life.

Maybe you have read my book(s) some day in the future and have come searching for more by the artist, discovering this blog, must've been an accident...

Maybe you are my great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson, in that case: What are you doing here?! Go give give your mother a big kiss and tell her you love her... stay in school, be a writer one day, keep our faimly legacy going, and of course:
 
Welcome... I hope there's plenty here for you to enjoy and learn from.

Love me,
Love, me.

Feb. 14th, 2011

Tie Him to a Pole and Break His Fingers to Splinters

I hate valentines day, not for the same reason that other people hate valentine day... I hate valentines day because I hate when people are pessimistic about it. (Irony;D)

First of all, it's kind of a pointless holiday. The holiday used to be. "St. Valentines Day," a day simply to commemorate the saint of the name. It only became of a romantic nature during Geoffrey Chaucer's time. The day is not even labeled in most roman calendar's. All this is only technically speaking... On the social/emotional side, even when I have had a boyfriend on this day, I usually want to ignore it, for one thing I believe love should be celebrated all year round, not just this one day.

Secondly the worst day to show your object of affection how much you love them is on the same day of the year that everyone else is showing how much they love their objects of affection. It just seems like an obligation that way. It feels like you HAVE TO go out, or HAVE TO have a nice dinner, or you HAVE TO make love... How is that special?!?!

And thirdly, for all those people celebrating "singles awareness day" are just bitter. Most likely they won't admit it, but they are definitely bitter. Listen, I too am single, and yes, sometimes I feel lonely, but it's stupid to feel MORE lonely on this pointless day. You're just posing to start shit, perhaps passively but either way you look at it, you're being spiteful.

Right now I'm happy being alone. I enjoy the company of persons I love, I have no obligations towards anyone but myself, and I can go spend time with anyone I want and not have to explain and answer any questions, because let's face it, boyfriends and girlfriends ask questions, and they have a right to.

Being happy alone does not mean I am opposed to a relationship, it just means that the right person hasn't come along and I'm happy to just BE until he shows up. Maybe I'll bump into him in the mall tomorrow, perhaps he'll be in front of me in line at Taco Bell today, or somehow perchance I've already met him and haven't realized he's got my name tattooed on his future!

Only time will answer these questions. Until then I'll keep sipping this iced tea, and keep secretly jamming to Alien Ant Farm in this crowded room, until he joins me with his own iced tea and connector-headphones to commence the jamming.

Love me,
Love, me.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.

Jan. 15th, 2011

(no subject)

I was in love with him. I know that now. I was very deeply in love with him, even now I think I love him still- but I think now my mind is in a place that could never be with him again even as much as I would want to be. I never knew how much I'd miss his smile until I hadn't seen it in a long time. He finally smiles at me again, we actually talk again... We'll never be like we we're before, not this time... but I think we've finally broken up for the last time. And I'm glad I've named it the last time because I don't think I could do it again, I don't think I'd live through another break up with him, I Don't think it's possible to be more painful than this one.

But life goes on as they say. I'll keep breathing as will he, I'll continue waiting for the one, I'll strive to finish school and endure my minimum wage job until I can move on to my desired career. Life goes on.

Love me,
Love, me.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.

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Nov. 24th, 2010

A week of rolling eyes

Most days I hate him completely. I walk past his workplace countless times a day, 5 days a week, and yes, I always glance inside to see if he's there or not. I still think about him a lot, not in the warm ways I used to think about him next to me, not in the comforting ways I'd think of his smile just to get to sleep at night. Anymore, all I think of him is how I could've been so wrong about him. I no longer picture him in my future, I no longer imagine us being happy, with a home, family and nothing but future laid before us, because now it seems that it was nearly a fantasy of what I wanted him to be.
I wonder how long it will be before I will stop thinking of him daily. I hate thinking about the hurt, the disappointment, the sadness, the loneliness. I understand the cycle but I do not relish in it. It is true that I'd rather feel the pain to nothing at all. But the pain is lingering in a way I haven't experienced for a while now, it's more like a bitter taste that I would be happy to rinse away with vinegar if that's what it took. But of the choices I've made and the path I've chosen thus far I do maintain my reasons for doing them. And I will stick my by my reasons through the pain.

Love me,
Love, me.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Nov. 6th, 2010

(no subject)

It's all about what your weight is, who you are dating and trying to buy the most expensive clothes here. If you have tattoos you get a dismissive look, if you are fat people stare at you, and if you speak your mind they don't hear you- but if they do hear you, you are wrong, and they know it. Even if your opinion is backed up by scientific fact- you are wrong and you should just submit to it now.

In this area people say ohh our family isn't racist we're very tolerant and yet all the mothers and fathers still fear their children and grandchildren will end up falling in love with a black fella'. Then it goes from- I don't care who you marry as long as they love you and you love them, to I know you love them but love doesn't last forever you need security! Everyone wants to look like a good family who accepts anyone and who wants their kids to be in love and happy no matter what they do or what they look like. But in all actuality all they want is for skinny girls who should stay at home and cook to marry muscly men with big fat salaries and have 2 kids and a dog. And be available any time their husband comes home 'in the mood.'

I don't care About the norms. I don't belong to them and I hope I never do.

Love me.
Love, me.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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Oct. 30th, 2010

Last week Kyle quit the band...

I wrote this a while ago but I've been changing it for the past three months. This poem/song is called:

"I don't have a name for this yet"

You never noticed I awoke
And I went out in the cold
You never noticed that I
Sat there all alone

You never listen to
My love or my pain
You're huming a melody
You pretended to feel the same

I thought you had an interest
I thought matched my own
You act like and actor
Your interest is the show

I thought I'd fallen
With you into this
But I fell alone
In the dark abyss

There are moments I still
Think of when we laughed
I smile, I remember
I would never take it back

One day this will end
One day I'll go home
But for now while you sleep
I'll keep sitting alone.
---------------------------------
yes this is about someone
no I won't tell you who it is.
So quit asking.

I said quit.

Love me.
Love, me.


Tags: ,

Jul. 30th, 2010

Ode to an Antique Camera

To capture what you’ve snapped,
The memories of journeys you once mapped.
A beach shore basking in the sun.
A Christmas tree like there’s never been one.
A castle place upon a hill.
That country farmhouse next to the mill.
A red-carpet-walk on opening night,
Each star’s fifteen, long since that spotlight.
His wife hanging sheets on the line to be aired.
The path they took, when love was declared.
Your lenses screwed in all so tight.
You make me grateful for my sight.
To see what you’ve seen,
To see what has been.
I’m jealous of your purpose,
Though plastic on your surface.
To live so long and see so much-
I promise you love in my every touch.
I cleaned you up, I made you shine,
Now on my shelf, you’re always mine.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Love me,
Love, me.

Jul. 27th, 2010

Lament Of A Sleep Deprived Individual.

Tender sleep;
Former Confidant;
Why do you evade
My every attempt?
My every advance?
You do not return my love.
Though I devote myself,
To you so sincerely.
I miss you.
I miss your arms
Wrapped around me;
Enveloping me;
Indulging me.
Why have you left me,
Tender sleep?
Why do you deny me?
I wallow in self pity,
Instead of rest.
For now
I'll befriend supplements:
My cold-syrup,
My sleep tea,
A lavender mist.
Until you return...
I'm at a loss.

Jul. 17th, 2010

You remind me of the babe... the babe with the power?

Its days like today that make me remember how much in life there is to live for. Nothing huge happened today, no life changing events occurred, I didn't meet the love of my life or have a romeo and juliet moment today. What did occur was a definitively simplistic day. I slept til 1230, watched a movie, picked up lunch and went to my parents' house. I saw a movie with my mother this evening and came home.

The weather was sunny but with plenty of clouds in the sky. As I drove to my parents' house I saw a opening in the clouds as if an opening had just burst through and was spilling out of itself to spread into the rest of the clouds. it reminded me that no matter how much builds up in your life, no matter how many worlds are piled onto your shoulders, no matter how many lemons life throws at you, eventually, you will find your opening, and the space in your head will start to spread. the pressure will eventually give.

There are too many things on this earth that the average person takes for granted. And it is insulting to the world itself to forget how many beauiful things there are ont this planet, and that these things are here to remind us that life goes on. I mean I don't care that your boss yelled at you, or about that mean thing your boyfriend said to you last week, or that your roommate is talking behind your back... 2 months ago I had no choice but to end things with MY boyfriend, and yeah I was a little disappointed that it didn't work out, but I didn't mope around and dwell on it forever... in the end it really doesn't matter because we just simply just didn't work out, that's how life goes, things work or they don't.

But personally I'm not going to be laying on my death bed worrying about who I fought with or who gave me a dirty look in the bar, or who decided to just give up on me. I'm going to be thinking about the people whom I loved, who hopefully loved me back, and all the blessed times we laughed so hard we were doubled over gasping for breath.

All I'm saying is that not enough people "stop and smell the roses" as they say.

and who are they?

Frankly, I don't care enough to investigate.


Love me.
Love, me.

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